John Rain? With Ali Catterall? And Paul Putner? Tch. This used to be a nice street, this. Decent families. No scum. BABABA BA BA BABABA BA BA BABBA BA BA BA BABBA BA!
It’s side special time again, and do you fancy something unpretentious and easy-going? Well, bad news – it’s ZARDOZ! AND IN THE END ZARDOZ RE-CREATED MAN! Joining John to refuse to move to the second level no matter how much you waggle your hands are the acclaimed comedy writers of Charlie Brooker’s News Wipe, Philomena Cunk and the Ladybird Books For Grown-Ups – Jason Hazeley (on Twitter as @JasonHazeley) and Joel Morris (@gralefrit)!
Some call it the greatest Bond of all. Those people are both incredibly small in number and obviously mad. Here comes Daniel Craig’s second outing, Quantum of Solace (2008). Joining John to check into an eco-hotel and drown in a barrel of crude oil is actor and comedian Alison Ward, who can be found on Twitter as @ItsAlisonWard.
It’s side special time again, and what sounds more fun than a 1970s sci-fi disaster movie starring a grumpy Sean Connery, co-financed by American and Hong Kong backers, which flopped at the box office? Not much. Joining John to avoid being crushed under a lump of slow-moving rock is actor and writer Dan Tetsell, who can be found on Twitter as @tetsell.
It’s side special time again, and it’s one that nearly no-one’s been waiting for: 1997’s Spiceworld The Movie! Stick on your Union Jack platform boots, hide all the BAFTAs, and prepare to mercilessly cash-in as the Spice Girls – Sporty, Scary, Fangy, Boycie and Maureen (citation needed) – take us on a wild bus-ride back to the glorious 1990s. Joining John to endure 93 minutes of Girl Power and film-making ineptitude is writer and compulsive swearer Marc Haynes, who can be found on Twitter as @marchaynes.
Die Another Day is Pierce Brosnan’s last outing but, while often cited in the lists of the worst Bond film of all time, does it deserve its terrible reputation? Joining John to analyse this like Sigmund Freud is Joel Morris, the BAFTA-winning comedy writer and author of the bestselling Ladybird Books For Adults, who can be found on Twitter as @gralefrit.
The World Is Not Enough – the nineteenth Bond film, the third outing for Pierce Brosnan, and the single worst innuendo in the entire series. Joining John to ram the fishing boat of conversation through the restaurant of your ears is the broadcaster, writer and all-round scaramouche Jon Holmes, who can be found on Twitter as @jonholmes1.
Side Special time again, and it’s one of the most requested! Roger Moore’s Scotch-soaked North Sea Hijack (1980) is one of the ffew ffilms brave enough to combine terrorism, embroidery, a harpoon gun, James Mason and a box full of kittens. Joining John for a cup of poisoned coffee is Mark Evans, writer, performer, Twitter abstainer and all round ffine ffellow.
The tagline: “The man. The number. The licence….are all back.” Urgh, it’s so bad. To talk Tomorrow Never Dies – and let’s see how he responds to my touch – I’m joined by comedy writer and perfomer Nathaniel Tapley , who can be found on Twitter as @natt.
It’s side special time again, and just in time for Halloween, we’re off to be humiliated at an awards ceremony, throw ourselves into the Thames and then exact bloody revenge against those who failed to recognise our genius. Welcome to Theatre of Blood!
Joining me for a bloody and violent taste of their own medicine are the Guardian and Total Film critic Ali Catterall, who can be found on Twitter as @alicatterall, and the actor Paul Putner, who’s also on Twitter as @realpaulputner.